nearly done with my thesis. im surprisingly proud of myself for once. it may not be a visual masterpiece but the writing and research i've done has never lacked a sincere motivation. it's almost like i'm writing it more for myself than anyone else and i sort of love that feeling. found a new cave in the caples studio. art students mostly sleep-in it seems, so the mornings are a dimly lit meditation in a room full of chemicals and white walls. hopefully i learn to spend all my free time here. i feel more comfortable and productive here than anywhere else. in general my mind is so far away from sarasota that i forget i should do things here. somehow the context just isn't right for me to pursue anything. i'm bad with time management and truthfully i prefer total solitude in order to produce anything at all. i only hope that my imaginations dont get the best of me and when i leave here i also leave some of my bad habits behind. the will to create something , many things, is there but i know the obstacles are going to transform and ill regret some of the past. that's why i try to promise myself i'll get into the studio as much as possible. sometimes when i talk to my parents i feel such mixed excitement and anxiety. my mom is so sweet and naive and supportive and our emotions blend into each other very easily. sometimes she does the simplest things and i want to tell everyone because of how much it makes me smile. i think more and more about how things will be when she's older. she's doing so much for me now, i just hope i can do enough for her too. my dad is a much more twisted story. i'm not sure how he really imagines our bond. it's a tenuous one for sure. in a strange way i think my dad needs me more than i 'feel' i need him. his life sounds really convoluted and weighed down by decisions and limitations. i'm sort of afraid of living that life- i see him in myself quite often. at least the thought that they both lead very different lives grants me the relief that i may have a choice. funny how when i try to make myself blog ill just write about my family. maybe because even when im happiest i can't stop thinking about them. truthfully i'm mostly happy right now. excited to be done with all of this soon. excited to get a glimpse of chicago-- on my own. excited to enter into a phase where i can produce what compels me. i have a plan to produce my own soundtrack for the drive to chicago. a combination of originals on my birthday synth that has been collecting a little dust on my bookshelves and some highway tunes to really help the anxiety peak when i get within the city limits. i really enjoy most things these days, though the same minor insecurities linger. i'll have time to feel attractive when i've got all these tasks off my chest right?