HOW DOES I ME?

feeling weirdly alienated and pigeonholed. I hate to associate this inner dilemma with something as so apparently insignificant and vain as the 'hipster' debacle but it's unavoidably linked. me as i am, i am incredibly concerned with the way people perceive me-- mostly due to the uncertain and mistrusting way i view myself. i know i've always spent the last four years of my life endless fighting some idea of authenticity or originality and make little progress in the ways of positive conclusions. no, usually the debate stops at the jagged cliff of resignation and apathy. i could quiet my mind and my emotions if i didnt care, and part of me knows that this is the best option since the part of me that struggles with some sort of answer has been repeatedly faced with the reality that there is no conclusion. people will think what they want to think. and it can't be my job to set out to define an entirely new set of symbols to live by while stll somehow desiring to be a part of what of youth culture i ultimately feel most affinity for. it seems like even i did set out do this i'd be constantly threatened to play by someone elses rules. advertise and reaffirm my difference. project my 'weirdness' out into the heavy handed internet world. would that really make me feel anymore confident though? probably. it has before, for a little while. i know im not WHOLLY insincere in what i do, but i hate have to be faced with the subtle reality that so much of what i do is learned, absorbed or adopted from something external to myself. as if i tell myself i think and feel and act for myself to forget the origins of mimickry from which it all came.
i stupidly spent half an hour seeing what the users of the world wide web had to say on the subject of hipster-dom. you think ultimately these things are cycles and that kids in say the 80s dealt with the same. One brilliant user claimed NO ITS DIFFERENT. in the 80s they were retaliating against reaganomics and 50s traditionalism of their parents. what could i possibly have to retaliate against now? How about your consumerist rebellion you 80s nitwit. How about the fact that your overinflated rebellion only left a future generation with self-worshiping, self-interested, all-for-proft assholes who could give two fucks about the human condition in 2012. Older is better. Older is wiser. Older is stupid. Adults really fucked this one up. I can't blame them, i guess, since i'll assume they were necessarily more naive and less educated than i am (at least that's what history tells me). BUt fuck you. Look what i've inherited? a life of endless shame and guilt and for what?
nothing and no one will ever let me feel satisfied and accomplished. i'll always be competiting to be more ME than anyone else and that makes no fucking sense. I'm just rambling now, I came into work two hours early and didn't bring my laptop so I'm at the public library. I have a small dose of high-caffeine iced coffee and my bladder is cramping. but i really like the way this keyboard feels and the way this computer screen doesn't make any faces at me while i make all these ridiculous claims.









i'm so sick of trying to sculpt some public image of myself. why i can't i just let it all hang out without shame. it's gonna come out. when i'm drunk and angry. just like my nose peircing. it's gonna come out and im gonna throw it at people without really understanding why. but it'll feel good when it happens.