had the dumbest internal episode today but it resulted in a free pizza, breadsticks and pepsi courtesy of antonio. i supposed it all started from the general lack of direction i felt this morning. the anxiety of continuously postponing my work and then realizing that i postponed it so late that i was forcing myself to stay in tonight in order to stay 'on schedule'. for what? to stay in bed and watch home movies some more and wish i had more food. eventually i hopped on a bus and headed to campus to turn in my isp and pick up kenny's bike. var and lewis were on the bus and i was feeling so weird that i really wasn't ready to run into anyone. it was a really awkward conversation across the bus and i felt guilty for it ending kind of abruptly but i imagine they probably felt as awkward as i did. i got off almost 5 minutes after i got on so none of this even lasted that long. there's just a lot of residual guilt i have for flaking on them so much sort of. anyways, when i got off the bus i immediately texted var something dumb with an emoticon at the end trying to excuse the awkwardness and blame the environment. i still haven't gotten a response so i feel pretty stupid. i turned in my forms and then tried to find JDs place where kenny's bike was. trying to find the place was awkward because that whole neighborhood doesn't have any sidewalks and even though there are hardly any cars either, the occasional one always seems to drive by with a slow and glaring curiosity that someone would be walking around. after having my clothes bored through by the gaze of several black landscape workers hanging out in the back of a truck park in drive way, i got to a corner where apparently a few new college kids lived. a bunch of them got out of a car and recognized me and i waved pretty frantically wishing they would leave it at that but instead there was this weird lingering expectation that a conversation would ensure. as if they thought i would follow them inside and share a drink and maybe use their bathroom before getting back on the road, but i wasn't in a car i was walking and really i had no idea where to so i had no patience to take a break so soon. in reality that's probably somewhat of an excuse, i wouldn't have join them anyways. it wasn't exactly a group of people i cared for, but it was a surprising group. i hate being surprised that certain people are crossing friend borders in sarasota. i don't care much for the borders themselves but the reminder that people mingle all the time just makes me feel all the worse for not being able to for the last four years.

so of course after that, i find the house im headed to. i get there and am surprised for some reason to see aria even though kenny told me to expect her there. she guides me to the bike in the garage and we make all kinds of dumb small talk about the things in her house and how our winter breaks were. JD came down the hall and acknowledged that I was taking kenny's bike and feeling underpressure i decided to tell them an abridged version of the bizarre little trek it took me to get to their house. by the end of it JD sort of burts out matter of factly and slightly amused, "you all have a big thing for being self aware in spaces. you're all so anxious and don't know how to be in a space."

that comment hit home so hard it left me pretty mentally paralyzed the whole ride back. it didn't help that i was coming home to a roommate who locks himself in a room to do work or make music and leaves immediately after to the house where really lives. and another roommate who is gone for the month but were he in town would probably be at that same house with my other roommate because that's where both their girlfriends are. so i came home and sort of agonized over choosing to be alone because i didn't know how to comfortably do anything else. i hated new college in my head all over again. i grew hungrier and angrier. eventually i just felt totally tactless. nothing i was trying to do satisfied me and i couldn't seem to start doing anything meaningful because somehow it didn't seem worth it. what JD said made me feel so paranoid and I knew it and i tried to overcome it but i couldn't.

i just can't tell if it's new college or if it's me honestly. i think truthfully, i just need to not care. i know that's what i need to do, but i do care. too much. but not even in a way that i actually care about. everything just feels like a hostile environment or a fake interaction. i get bored by people or they make me feel lonely and excluded. i don't really have much of a group here. but that's my fault i guess. when will i actually start doing things differently? when will the awareness of a hyperawareness wear off all together?

im meta-unsatisfied.